It’s just so hard that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t do anything to help her ease her agony, it seems like you just want it all to end. Words that came from a person you never really expect to have such burden. This story is for you my good friend, I want everyone to know how great you are, how they don’t know what and who you really are after the tragedy, they seem to think that people should move on easily but they would never understand, maybe I would never understand, but I guess by this way I can make someone out there understand. Seeing the person you dear the most, the person you owe your “NEW” life to, the person that has your heart, being taken away from you very slowly by Leukemia is just enough stress to mind for a lifetime. You see her losing her hair, her body starting to deteriorate because of the never ending tests, diagnostics and therapies that just doesn’t make her do any better. With this kind of hell you are facing, you just try so hard to get yourself ready like getting ready for your first visit to the dentist or first flu shot perhaps. But this, it’s beyond explanation no matter how hard you try. You just pray that it all ends very soon to lessen the heartache for everyone. You always tell her you’ll be OK, and once you get out we’ll go places you never been to, we’ll eat anything you want, we’ll go wherever you want to. You’re lying, knowing there’s no turning back from a Stage 4 disease, you just try so hard to make her feel better. But deep inside your bleeding heart, you know what’ll happen soon. You spend months in the ICU going to the hospital after your shift at work ends and not minding sleeping over then go back to work the day after, promising her that you’ll be back in the afternoon and bring her something that she wants. Months went by as you notice her getting weaker, you talked to her how she feels, “I’m not any better, but I feel GREAT when you’re around, Thank You, I Love You.” she says, and you reply. “I’ll be here ‘til you get better, I love you.” You turned around and a tear drop fell. She didn’t notice, she’s asleep. Morning came, you didn’t go to work, odd, but you just don’t feel like going anywhere but here. You laid beside her, bumping into the hospital apparatus and making it beep every once in a while, clumsy. she laughs at it. You told her jokes, she giggles then breathing deep. You told her how much she means to you. She smiles. You spent the whole afternoon with her, not noticing how time flies so fast, you just hate that thought.
Then, It’s time. you feel it in your bones that the end is near, but you can’t tell anyone. You told her It’s time to rest, “sleep, I’ll be here with you tonight until you wake up tomorrow, I’ll buy you breakfast.” then a kiss in the forehead as she slowly closes her eyes not knowing that this is the last time she’s ever gonna see you, then she whispers “Thank You, I love you”. Liar. You ran to your friends in the middle of the night and told them what you’re going through, “I just can’t see her looking like this. I can’t take it anymore” you’ve tried to be so strong that despite of all the lies that you’ve been telling yourself about her getting better to make yourself feel better it just doesn’t add up to the reality of what you are about to face. Zero Hour came, your phone rang, it was her mom, never knowing what they’re about to tell you, you didn’t answer, then her brother and her sister. Simply, you just don’t have the heart to answer the phone and hear what you already know. Your past flashed back. Your dreams came crumbling down on you, you feel weak, and numb inside. You started walking not knowing where to go. Maybe as far as you can go? but you know you can only go so far. It’s time to face the music.
You still remember the last time you came to her house, she was all giggly and was so ecstatic to see you and to laugh at your jokes. but now, all the lights were on, she is there, laying peacefully. you try so hard not to let out a single murmur. you came closer, she looks beautiful you told yourself. She’s always been smiling at you every time you were together. Even today, in her wake she’s with you in body and in soul. She’s still smiling, knowing that you were the last person she saw, and understanding why you weren’t there when she left. You blame yourself for what happened “It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t leave” “she would’ve lived another day or maybe another week, a month a year?” The infamous “What-If” Question. But all you can do now is just close your eyes and try listening to her voice inside your head.
You lost your job, you got into a bunch of different trouble not that you are the type of not causing any trouble but this is more often. That’s what they say. They just don’t know the reason. You try diverting your mind towards other things, but it seems like you lost yourself with her. They blame you for the shit happening in your life. Somehow it’s true, but a part of what is happening is something they would never understand. “I know where you’re coming from” is such an overrated line. Do they really know? It’s you who knows, and no one else. It’s your life. It’s your story. I hope I gave justice to it. I may not understand what you are going through but there is something I’m sure of. I know she’s looking down on you smiling.
